Grief During the Holidays: How to Remember a Loved One Through Meaningful Conversations

Dealing with loss is difficult any time of year, but it can be especially rough during the holiday season, when the absence of your person can seem even more pronounced. And when we feel that absence so sharply, we need to find ways to talk about that individual to keep their memories present — even, and especially, amid the holiday revelry.

In a recent Light After Loss Facebook Live episode, Modern Loss' Rebecca Soffer hosted a discussion with Steve Leder, the senior rabbi at Wilshire Boulevard Temple in Los Angeles and author of the books For You When I'm Gone and The Beauty of What Remains. Here are some key takeaways from their conversation.

If you're worried that your loved one is being forgotten, then it may very well be up to you to start the conversation. And make sure, too, that you plan how you're going to bring the person up: Talking out loud about someone who died does not usually happen by accident, and that's especially true during festive times.

What people regret most are typically not the things they've done but the things they haven't done. Figuring out ways to deliberately address our grief during the holidays can help us structure the chaos of feelings and the pain of loss so that they don't silently fester and go unacknowledged. And putting thought into the process can help everyone prepare both emotionally and psychologically for the moment.

Here are some ideas for how to talk with family and friends around the holidays about someone who is no longer with you.

• “Mom, how about we have Dad's favorite dessert for Thanksgiving this year?"
• “Hey everyone, at dinner later tonight, let's all take a moment and go around the table and share a favorite holiday memory of our person/their funniest joke/their best advice. Anyone who wants to take a pass can do so."
• “When we open presents later tonight, can we take a moment to share the best gift we ever gave our person/they gave to us?"

• “When did you see my person at their happiest?"
• “What was the most embarrassing thing they ever did?"
• “What brought my person joy?"
• “What do you think my person would say to us now?"

Here are three ideas for what to say.

• "What was the greatest vacation you ever took with your person?"
• "Did they ever talk to you about their romance? Where was their first kiss?"
• "Do you remember when they graduated/got married/what they were like as a new parent? Tell us about that."